Attack of the bad pairings!
by slinko
Summary: The FMA charecters are trapped in a bad pairing fanfic!will they escape?RoyxPride.RoyxED.RizaxWinry.BredaxHavoc.KainxFalman.ScarxAl.MaesxInuYasha?.!
1. The evil pairings

**Disclaimer: I do not support ANY of these bizarre pairings. They are all horrible. Oh..and i don't own fma or inu-yasha...**

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Roy Mustang was the colonel of the military. This meant that he had a lot of paperwork to do. Roy Mustang looked at the paperwork.

" You stink" He said. The paperwork did not respond. Roy sighed. He was bored. He picked up the phone and dialed a familiar number.

" Hello?" said Edward Elrics voice.

" Report to my office immedietly and bring Al and Winry with you." Roy said. Roy hung up. So did Ed. Roy then picked up the phone again and dialed a different number.

" Hello?" Said Kain fuery's voice.

" Hello, this is Roy. I need you to report to my office immedietly and bring everyone you know with you. " He said and hung up. Roy then picked the phone up again and dialed a number.

" Hello?" Said Maes Hughes voice.

" Hi, This is Roy I need you to-"

" Oh! Hi Roy! Guess what?.! You'll never believe this but, Elysia's cuteness just went up by ten percent! Isn't it wonderful? I know what you're thinking, '_she's already so cute! How could she get any cuter?.! I thought she had already reached the extreme cuteness limit!' _Well, that's what I thought to! Hmm.. How should I say this? Elysia is like the supreme goddess of cuteness and wonderfullness! Why, just yesterday she-"

" MAES! SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT ELYSIA!" Roy yelled into the phone.

On the other end, Maes frowned.

" So, what is it?" He asked.

" I need you to report to my office immedietly. In fact, call everyone you know and tell them to come here!" Roy said, and hung up.

In about ten minutes, everybody in centrel HQ was in Roy Mustangs office.

Roy smiled. He stood up on his desk.

" Attention everyone! You're probably wondering why I called you all here. Well, I got very bored today and I decided to invite you all to a party!" Roy exclaimed while pressing his instant party button.

Everyone looked around. Paused for about ten seconds, and then they all began to shake it!

The party continued without much detail as to what happened. In fact, the only thing that we are certain that happened at the party, was a sacfirice of a goat to the party gods.

Eventually, the party ended. And everyone left. Except for the evil homunculus, pride..er..I mean..KING BRADLEY.

" Fuhrer, um..please leave." Roy said. Pride smiled.

" No. I won't leave until you truly want me to stay." Pride said stubbornly.

Roy paused and thought about this. A HORRIFYING thought hit him.

" Fuhrer...I think..we are in..a bad pairing fanfiction." Roy said calmly. Prides eyes bugged out and he jumped out the window.

Roy sighed with relief. He had a lot of experience with bad pairings...but..him and the fuhrer? It gave him shivers just thinking about it!

Roy shook the thought out of his head. He began to do his paperwork. However, Roy soon began to doodle all over his paper.

Roy looked at the doodle. He looked all over his page of paperwork. There was something strange about the paper.

" I've been drawing the Fuhrer." Roy gasped. He ripped up the paper. This fanfiction was terrible!

Pride ran into Roys office.

" Colonel, everyone in Centrel has been infected with the bad pairings disease!" He said frantically.

" Fuhrer! Don't you remember?.! WE have been infected with the bad pairings disease! We can't be in the same room!" Roy yelled.

Pride screamed and ran out of the room. Unfourtunetly, he was deflected by an invisible sheild! Pride and Roy began to scream! This was pure hell!

At that moment, Ed walked in the room. He looked very angry.

" Yo, Colonel Bastard! I think We're trapped in a bad pairings fanfic! I can't stop carving your name into trees and kissing them!" He complained. Roy looked at pride. Pride looked at ed. Ed looked at Roy.

" **THREESOME!" **they cried. Ed Roy and Pride began to panic. If they didn't escape soon, worst would come to worst and...well...Roy shook his head, he didn't want to think about that.

Roy then had a very disturbing image come into his head.

" AHHHHH! GET OUTTA MY BRAAAIIINNN!" He yelled as he began to his head on his desk .

Havoc walked in. He also looked angry.

" Have you been targeted too?" Ed asked panicing.

" Yes we have!" Breda said as he walked in. Roys eyes bugged out. About 20 more people walked into Roys office all complaining about bad pairings. Roy looked at Riza.

" Riza, who are you with?" He asked.

Riza pointed to Winry.

Roy gasped. This was terrible!


	2. Everyone stay calm!

**Disclaimer: Mr friend Erin doesn't like anime. She lives a shameful life. Tsk tsk...BROADWAY MUSIC! UGH! She likes BROADWAY MUSIC! UGHGUHUHGGHGHGHHH! Oh...and I don't own fma or inuyasha.  
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Roy looked around his office. There were so many people in here! How would he ever set things right? How? How? Agh! Everyone was panicing! Breda was acting as if a dog were present! Kain was sucking peoples blood..I have this theory about Kain...don't ask...Havoc was causing Havok! ( I couldn't resist...i'm sorry...)

Roy jumped on his desk. Oh wait...wasn't he already up there? Oh well...Roy took out a mega phone.

" YO! EVERYONE SHUT THE HELL UP!" he said into the megaphone. Havoc stopped causing Havok. Breda stopped freaking out. Kain stopped sucking blood. Winry was happy beause of Kains di...di...HOW DO YOU SPELL DESCISION!.? ...oh...there we go... :(

Roy looked at the fanfic authors sister. She was freaking out. Moron.

" Anyways, we have to all have to think about what to do. " he said. At that moment, Riza got a brilliant idea. So brilliant in fact, that she told Roy about it.

" How about we call Inu-Yasha? He's good at making couples, so he's probably good with breaking them up too!" She said. Roy thought about this idea for a moment, and then, nodded.

" Yes, that seems logical." He said.

" I don't think so. That is an incredibly illogical descion you are making Colonel." Said Mr. Spock. Roy looked at Spock.

" What? What?.! Geez! Sooorry! I guess i'll just leave! Jerks!" ranted Mr. Spock as he left the building. An annoncment came over the intercome.

_" Ladies and Gentlemen, Spock has left the building." _It said. Roy sighed and began to hit himself in the head with a stapler.

" CAN THE RANDOMNESS PLEASE STOP?.!.?.!" he yelled. The randomness stopped immedietly.

" Okay...okay...We have to all figure out how to...eererreremmm...how to..arrghguglugh...how...errmmytgf...ho...YIAAAAEEEEH!" Roy said. Riza stared at him. So did everyone else.

" GET OUTTA MY HEAAAADDD!" he yelled. Roy ran over to the wall and began to hit his head agansit the wall.

" What's wrong Colonel?" Riza asked.

" DISTURBING IMAGES! GET OUT! GET OUT! GETOUT!" He yelled. Riza felt sorry for Roy, but at least it wasn't happening to anyone else. Oh god...no..no!

" AAAAAIEIIE!" Riza screamed as she clentched her head in horror. Soon, everyone was doing the exact same thing. The images would not leave their minds!

Roy slowely stood up. " Ok. Let's call Inu-Yasha and just TRY and ignore the images." He said.

Everyone nodded. It was a logical plan.

Three seconds later...

" AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" everyone screamed. Images! Disturbing images! nooo!

Roy slowely picked up the phone and dialed Inu-Yashas number.

"Hello, this is Inu-Yasha the prosecutor, match-maker, and everyones favorite half dog demon. How may I assit you?" Asked everyones favorite half dog demon.

" We need your help! We're all trapped in a bad fanfiction and we can't get out!" Roy said quickly.

The next thing that happened, was maniac laughter. Not good. Inu-Yasha clearly had no intention of helping them. He probably was going to make matters worse actually.

Roy hung the phone up. He then heard a scream. Roy looked to where the scream came from. It was Winry.

" Winry! What's wrong?" He asked hoping that Kain had not attacked her again.

" I'M STANDING NEXT TO RIZA INVOULANTARILY!" She screamed. So, she ran to the other side of the room as quickly as possible.

" Hello everyone! Please give a warm welcome to...Inu-Yasha! The prosecutor, the match-maker, and everyones favorite half dog demon!" Yelled the popular prosecutor.

Inuyasha rubbed his hands together evilly. This would be fun. His eyes scanned the room and landed on Breda. His first victim. He hopped over to Breda and started to violently jab his head with a silly looking plastic wand.

" This will encourage the crazy fanfic author to go further into the relationship! Mwahahaaha!" Inuyasha cackled. Breda screamed and fell to his knees. Inuyasha continued to jab his head.

" More disturbing images!" Ed randomly screamed. He then began to bang his head against the wall.

" Kain is trying to kill me!" Yelled Winry.

" The Armstrong family is famous for it's methods of blah blah blah and yakkity yak yak"

" I don't even like Breda!" Yelled Havoc.

" I'm already freakin' married! Speaking of which, would you like to see some pictures?" Said Maes as he bombarded poor Falman with pictures.

"_**Mongooses!" **_Yelled Al. Everyone stared at Al.

" What? I just thought I'd add to the chaos. I mean, since i'm not paired with anyone, i just thought that..." He said.

However, dear Alphonse elric was not alone for long. This was because, at that exact moment, scar burst in through the window!

" Alright! I'm gonna kill all of the state alchemsits here!" He yelled. Inuyasha smiled an evil smile. Mwahaaha.

Inuyasha ran over to a small blonde haired girl whom was sitting in the corner. She was holding a laptop and typing with a nutty grin spread across her face. Inuyasha grabbed the labtop and typed,

" _Scar then walked over to Alphonse elric and embraced him in a passionate kiss!". _The girl grabbed her labtop out of inuyashas hands and looked at what he had typed. She smiled. That was pure evil.

Scar's legs then began to move invoulantarily. He was walking towards Al!

Al screamed. He then prepaared himself to fight Scar. However, now that he had his body back, it was harder to defend himself.

Scar walked over to Al and...

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**Cliffhangers. Aren't they so annoying? If I get 2 more reveiws, i'll write the next chapter!**


	3. The chaos unfolds

**Disclaimer: The police and the CSI have both worked for long hours. They have figured out the one piece of evidence that they were searching for. After long hours of intterigation, it was proven that Sesshomaru wears eye shadow. Oh...i don't own fma or inuyasha. **

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Scar embraced Al in a long passionate kiss. Al's arms and legs couldn't move. They were frozen! He couldn't escape. AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! Torture! Torture!

Strangly enough, Scar was thinking the exact same thing. He couldn't stop! NOOOOOOOOOO!

Roy looked at the two, and then shook his head.

" If we don't resolve this problem soon, we could all end up like scar and Al. Whom, I have just decided, not to help." Roy said as Magi reminded Sari to capitilize Scars name.

Havoc looked at Scar&Al. He looked at Breda. He shuddered. eeeehh...no.

Inu-Yasha walked over to the fanfic author and looked at what she was typing. His eyes widened and he let out a scream.

" WWWWHHHHHAAAAATTTT?.! MAES? NO WAY! ANYTHING BUT THAT! NO NO NO! HELP! HELP! SAVE MEEEEEEE!" yelled Inu-Yasha as he unwillingly walked over to Maes Hughes.

" Inu-yasha...what are you doing...Inuyas...inu...wha-?" Said Maes as Inu-Yasha walked over to him.

" I'M ALREADY MARRIED!" yelled the innocent um...what rank is he? oh well...

The small blonde haired fanfic author in the corner stood up and a nutty grin replaced her blank look.

" It doesn't matter if you're married Maes. Oh dear! Whatever will Gracie think? tsk tsk tsk."

" Did somebody say garlic?" asked kain nervously.

"No Kain, I said Gracie. Not garlic." Explained the author.

Inu-Yasha walked over to Maes.

" Nooo! I don't wanna end up like scar and al...hey are they STILL making out? good gravy." said Inu-yasha.

" I like gravy." noted Breda. Inu-yasha rolled his eyes.

" We ALL know that you like gravy Breda." said everyone remembering the gravy inccident.

Breda frowned and mumbled something about not being his fault.

Roy flailed his arms in the air.

" HELLO! CAN WE GET BACK TO FIGURING OUT HOW TO AVOID ENDING UP LIKE AL AND SCAR? god...are they STILL making out? sheesh. Okay everyone, we need to find out how to either escape central HQ, or stop the bad fanfic author from getting too carryed away and-HOLY Roy yelled.

" WHY WON'T THESE IMAGES LEAVE MY BRAIN ALONE?" He screamed. Roy ran over to the wall and began to bang his head against it. He then relized that Ed was doing the same thing. They both screamed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Roy jumped back ontop of his desk.

" Ok, lets try and think of someway to escape this nightmare... any ideas?" Roy asked.

" I have an idea. Myabe we could kill the fanfic author. Then she wouldn't be able to type anything. In fact, There had been a from of killing authors that has been passed down and yakkity blah yak blabber blah" Offered Armstrong.

Kain rolled his eyes.

" You moron! If we kill the fanfic author, we'll all dissapear! And nobody cares about your family generation crap." said Kain.

Armstrong gasped and burst into tears.

" I just relized that...that...YOU'RE RIGHT! Nobody cares about my family traditions or generations or anything! and...and...i look like...like... A MUSCULAR BABY! MELTED CHEESE SANDWHICH!" Sobbed Armstrong as he slowly, but surely, lost his mind.

Kain smiled evily.

" That's right. And nobody ever WILL care about your family traditions or how muscular you are...or...or...um...or your stupid little mustache!" Kain said evily.

" nooooo! My mustanche isn't stupid! Ok...YES IT IS! and i admit it! I do! Ha ha ha ha ha! I'M BALD! BALD I SAY! Ch...chatspeak! R u 4 real? wat is up? How r u? brb! afk! g2g! ttly! ttyl! lol! omg! WAAAAAH!" Armstrong screamed and fell on his knees.

Kain smiled and looked at Roy.

" Since he's already lost his mind, Can I suck his blood? Ya know...To put him out of his misery?" Asked Kain hopefully.

Roy shrugged. " Sure, just don't make a mess or anything."

Kain smiled and lunged at Armstrong. He opened his mouth and revealed two pointy vampire fangs. Kain bit his neck but...

...He missed. This was becasue of the evil fanfic author.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" screamed Kain at the top of his lungs. Kain immedietly jumped away from armstrong and began to spit on the floor and wipe his mouth.

" waaa...boo hoo...sob sob" cried Kain as he drank some mouthwash.

" What happened?" asked Roy.

" I...I...well..I HATE YOU!" he screamed as he pointed at the author.

The author giggled and looked at Roy.

" I made him miss and kiss Armstrong." She said happily.

Roy gasped. What a horrible fate!

" Well, i'm not glad you're all happy but I'll have you know I'm feeling very depressed today." Said Marvin sadly. Roy wondered about where Marvin the parinoid android came from, but he chose to ignore this fact.

Kain looked at Marvin,

" Will you shut up? I'm having a severe mental breakdown here!" kain yelled at The parinoid android.

Marvin sighed.

" oh just kill me..." he sighed.

Falman pointed at Roy.

" This is all your fault! If you haden't invited us to that godforsaken party of yours this would never have happened!" Falman accused.

Roy looked offeneded.

" You think i was planning this all?.! This isn't my fault! And anyways, you should know how all argument scenes end! With...THAT!" said Roy as he pointed to Al and Scar.

" you mean...we can't have any dissagreements or else we'll end up like those two?" Falman asked.

Roy nodded. No disagreements...no no no.

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**So...was it good? Poor kain. Reveiw or else Kain will suck your blood.**

**Kain: I'm too depressed to do anything right now...**

**Me: Awww...you stink...**

**Kain: Sniffle sob cry...**


	4. The party in the happy corner

**Disclaimer: Jamaicas got a bobsled team! whoo hoo! Go Jamaica! Oh...right...i don't own fma or inu-yasha...**

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Roy eventually got everyone to calm down, god knows how.

" Ok everyone, we need to lay down a few rules. First of all, nobody can have a disagreement, unless of course you WANT to end up like Al and Scar over there. Good lord, are they STILL kissing? Maybe someone should seperate them? Oh well, not my problem. As I was saying, no disagreements." Roy announced.

" I agree." Said Breda.

Roy sighed. " That brings us to our next rule. We can't agree on anything either. Because, if we agree, then we'd have something in common, and that would be very bad."

Falman lifted an eyebrow. If they couldn't agree, and they couldn't disagree...than what COULD they do?

"If we can't disagree, and we can't agree, what CAN we do?" Falman asked. Roy frowned.

" You have a point...um...okay! Everyone sit down, close your eyes, cover your ears, and don't say a word!" Roy demanded. Everyone did as he said. Even Pride. Roy smiled. Ha ha. He was bossing the fuhrer around. Sucker.

Roy began to think about what he should do...it certainly seemed as if they were at a dead end here.

"Ah-ha! I know, I'll just kill someone from each couple! Then the rest of us will be free! Okay lets see...I'll kill Falman, Inu-Yasha, breda,...What am I saying?.! I can't kill anyone!" Roy said.

" Of course you can kill someone! Look at all the Ishballians you killed, you murderer!" Yelled a little boy from Ishbal whom seemed to have just materialized there a moment ago.

Roy frowned at the little boy. When did he get here?

" Why are you here? And how do YOU know how many Ishballians I killed? The war was probably over before you were even born." Roy said. The little boy frowned, knowing that Roy spoke the truth.

" Well...so?.! I'm sure you killed plenty other people!" The boy accused.

Roy lifted an eyebrow.

" Like who?" he asked.

" Like...like...like in the Manga! In the Manga you killed Maria Ross!"

Roy was shocked. How did this little boy know so much? Roy shrugged and shooed him away. He then began to calculate a plan again.

" Okay, one person from each pair please stand up and come forth to my desk!" Roy said.

One person from each pairing came up to his desk. Roy smiled. He was sure that this plan wouldn't fail.

" Okay, now we can think of a plan without having the fanfic author do anything with the pairings. Any ideas? Anyone? Anyone?" Roy said. Everyone was silent in deep thought.

Riza got an idea. " Well, whoever already has a boyfriend or girlfriend is taken right?" Riza suggested. Roy nodded not having any idea where she was going with this.

" Well, if they already have a boy or girl friend, they can't have another boy or girlfriend. Right? So, first we'll eliminate the people who already have boy or girlfriends." She said.

Roy nodded. That seemed logical. And it WOULD eliminate alot of people.

" Okay, Ed and Winry are safe because they are already taken." Roy explained. Ed and Winry did the happy dance and started to party in one corner of the room.

" Maes is alreayd married anyways so him and Gracie are safe." Roy said. Maes also did the happy dance. However, Gracie haden't appearead in the fanfic, so it was assumed that she wasn't there.

" We can also eliminate me and Riza...But who else?..." Said Roy. Riza smiled and joined Ed, Winry, and Maes in the party corner. Roy looked at who was left.

Kain, Armstrong, Falman, Breda, Pride, Inuyasha and Havoc.

Inuyasha looked around and then relized something.

" I'm in love with Kagome! I admit it! I admit it! I'm guilty as charged!" Inuyasha exclaimed as he entered the party. Now there was one less person to worry about.

Kain looked at Armstrong, He had gone completly insane. Kain smiled. Sucker.

" Alright, now we need to figure out how to eliminate the rest of us...I KNOW! Okay, fuher, I'm in love with Riza right?" Roy said.

Pride lifted an eyebrow. " What does that have to do with me?" He asked.

" Well, if I'm already paired up with someone, that means that you don't have a pairing!" Roy explained.

Pride jumped in the air, and guess what he did? He joined the party in the happy corner.

Okay...Kain, Armstrong, Falman, and Breda.

" Alright, Kain. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to do this if we ever want to escape." Said Roy as he pulled out a gun. Kain was shocked. Was Roy REALLY going to shot him? Roy clicked the gun.

BANG! Roy shot Kain in the head. Kain fell over and died. Breda looked at his body in horror. Roy had just SHOT someone! He had just shot the corporal! Ha ha...filthy corporal.

Kain stood up. " That wasn't very nice!" He yelled. Roy blinked. He saw the blood, he saw the guts, he saw Kain die...But he wasn't dead? How could that be?

Kain rolled his eyes. " Duh! You can't kill a vampire with just some stupid gun! There are only a few things that can harm a vampire, such as myself. One: Garlic. Two: Silver. Three: Crosses, especially silver ones. And four: Open scissors." Kain explained. Everyone looked at him quizzidly.

" What? What? WHAT?" Asked Kain.

" Open scissors?" Roy questioned.

" Yeah open scissors! Haven't you guys ever heard any of this before? My god!"

Roy shook his head. Kain haden't died. Kain couldn't be killed. Nobody had any garlic, sliver, or crosses on them. Nobody had anything...except for...scissors...

Roy reached into his desk and began to look through the piles of crap. Where could they have gone? Where? Where? A-ha! There they were! Roy pulled out a pair of scissors. Kain frowned.

" Uh..Roy...Uh..Get away from me with those...uh..Roy?.! ROY?.!" Kain said frantically. Roy opened and closed the scissors. Kain screamed. Roy ran over to him and staked him in the heart with the scissors. Ouch. Kain pulled a blade trinity and caught on fire. His heart region was the first to go. It dissintigrated and only his rib cage was showing. Next, was his lower body. Everything dissintigrated into bones. Last, was his head, which at the end, resembled nothing more than some bones, and a pair of glasses. Roy sighed with releif. Kain was dead. Now another person was free. Of course, Armstrong was kinda insane now.

Roy looked at how many people were left.

Heymans Breda, and Jean Havoc.

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**Yup, that's the next chapter. As you can see, they are getting closer to a soulution. I'm serious about that open scissors thing. I heard from somewhere that vampire also fear open scissors...What? WHAT? I'm not crazy! Hmph...**


	5. The sudden end

**GRAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHGGHGGHSAGER,SJHHTGBY7DRH6UY7ERUK4XYS.WXSP .KGTY8U**

**oh  
**

* * *

Roy looked at Havoc and Breda. Well, to bad for them. They were screwed. Along with the still making out Al and Scar. Roy smirked. 

" Well, I guess you four can figure out how to escape the wrath of the bad pairings by yourself." Said Roy as he walked over to the party in the happy corner.

" Did somebody say...WRATH?" yelled Wrath as he bust in through the window. Today, Wrath was dressed in an interesting outfit. He was wearing a black mafiya hat, a tuxedo, two shiny black shoes, and snow white gloves. Wrath grinned widely.

Havoc put his head in his hands. Now they're was yet another person to deal with! Who would poor Wrath get paired with now? Who my dear reader who?.!

Wrath looked around at everyone. They were all staring at him. He frowned. Was he not welcomed or something? What was with these people?

" Umm...did i come at a bad time or somethin'?" He asked. Breda and Havoc nodded. Wrath frowned.

"THEN LETS ALL DO THE CHEKIN DANCE LIKE THIS!!!" he screamed at the top of his lungs.

everyong started doing the 'chekin' dance.

"WOOT!!!!" thay all said.then they all looked at Magi who was writing this.wtf? what was wrong with her??sigh...freak. Huh?? I don't remember writing this Sari...

And thus, the problem was resolved by everybody doing the chicken dance.

The end

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**YAY! IT'S A LAME ENDING! No but seriosly guys, I was getting sick of this fanfic sitting there being...well...not done. So i finished it. **

**If you want more pointless stupidity, you should read my other fanfics! And don't forget to review for them as well! (hint hint)**

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